


You should have known by now you were on my list

by darkdropout



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, ninoexchange, recreational alcohol use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-02
Updated: 2012-07-02
Packaged: 2017-11-10 02:31:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/461277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkdropout/pseuds/darkdropout
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ohno doesn’t want marriage or babies. He just wants Nino.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You should have known by now you were on my list

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ylunio](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=ylunio).



> Warnings: angst, recreational alcohol use
> 
> For [](http://ylunio.livejournal.com/profile)[**ylunio**](http://ylunio.livejournal.com/) in the 2012 [](http://ninoexchange.livejournal.com/profile)[**ninoexchange**](http://ninoexchange.livejournal.com/) ♥ Originally posted [here](http://ninoexchange.livejournal.com/18314.html). Love, love to my savior [](http://araanaz9.livejournal.com/profile)[**araanaz9**](http://araanaz9.livejournal.com/).
> 
> Title from The Killers “My List.”

Ohno’s sister has a baby.

A few hours after the birth, Ohno shows up, inexplicably, on Nino’s doorstep.

“A baby,” Ohno says when Nino opens the door.

Nino leans against the doorframe, mouth an amused tilt. “Please tell me you’re talking about your sister’s baby and not admitting a deep, dark secret best left for the agency’s lawyers to me.”

Ohno shakes his head. He’s a little glossy-eyed, shell-shocked from fluorescent hospital lights and napping on waiting room chairs during the twelve hours of labor. He might also be a little drunk.

Nino lets him in anyway.

“She was so tiny,” Ohno explains as he slips his shoes off and pads after Nino into the living room. “Like a baby.”

“Really,” Nino remarks indulgently. He pushes Ohno towards the couch and Ohno flops down compliantly.

“A tiny baby,” Ohno agrees. “With a tiny face. Tiny hands and feet.”

Nino hums in mostly feigned interest and goes to the kitchen. He comes back with a glass of water and hands it to Ohno. “Drink this, Uncle Satoshi.”

Ohno makes a face of displeasure, but takes a sip. Nino sits down on the couch and throws his socked feet up into Ohno’s lap. The glass of water jostles in Ohno’s hold and Nino watches, entertained, as Ohno struggles to keep it upright, sloshing a little out on the front of his shirt.

“Don’t spill on my couch or you’re buying me a new one,” Nino scolds affectionately.

Ohno gives him a pathetic look and Nino wriggles his feet in Ohno’s lap obnoxiously. “What’s her name anyway?” he asks.

Ohno takes another tiny slurp of water and grimaces. “Mm?”

“Your niece’s name. You were there weren’t you?” Nino teases.

“Ayumi,” Ohno replies. “Her name is Ayumi.”

“That’s cute,” Nino says.

Ohno nods in agreement.

They sit in silence for a few moments, Nino watching Ohno as Ohno stares thoughtfully at his water glass. When Ohno finally speaks, his voice is smaller than usual, hesitant.

“Nino?”

Nino makes a questioning sound. Ohno keeps his eyes on his glass.

“Do you want that?” he asks meekly.

Nino frowns. Ohno must have had quite a bit to drink if he’s showed up to ask questions. “Want what?”

“A baby,” says Ohno. He takes another sip of water, spills most of it down his chin. “Babies. Marriage and babies.”

Nino shrugs. “Not really. I mean, I don’t really think about it.” He leans over and wipes Ohno’s face roughly with the edge of his shirt.

Ohno looks up then and Nino is surprised by his expression. Ohno looks reckless, wild – afraid.

“I don’t want that,” says Ohno softly.

The glass starts to shake in Ohno’s hands and Nino takes it from him, puts it down on the table.

“I don’t want any of that,” Ohno tells him, miserable.

Nino swings his legs out of Ohno’s lap and scoots closer to Ohno on the couch. He finds Ohno’s hand and links their fingers, a familiar gesture between them. “Is that why you’re drunk?” he asks curiously.

Ohno shakes his head. “No,” he says.

He puts an unsteady hand on Nino’s shoulder and tilts forward into Nino’s space.

He presses their lips together.

It’s a messy kiss – one that would be gentle and sweet if it wasn’t so full of Ohno’s nervous energy. Ohno’s lips are slick with spilled water and he tastes strongly of tequila, but Nino finds himself kissing back anyway.

“That’s why I’m drunk,” Ohno confesses when they part for air. He moves his hand from Nino’s shoulder to Nino’s neck, brushes his thumb over Nino’s pulse. “I don’t want babies or a wife. I want Nino.”

Something prickles to life up Nino’s spine, a dangerous half-formed revelation that he pushes back down forcefully. Ohno is looking at him and the hope in his eyes feels dangerous. When he leans in again, Nino meets him halfway, rushes forward so fast their teeth click. It hurts. He pushes Ohno back onto the couch and Ohno opens his mouth wide for Nino’s tongue. The kisses get deeper, more desperate, and Ohno sneaks his hands up the back of Nino’s shirt, swallows Nino’s moan when his fingers graze bare skin.

It should be awkward. It might be awkward, if it wasn’t them. But even here in the frantic unraveling of uncharted territory, they’re still Ohno and Nino and they’ve known each other so long that Nino can no longer keep track of all the days they’ve spent together.

They’re moving too fast. Nino urges Ohno out of his clothes, struggles out of his own when Ohno takes too long, fumbling with unsteady fingers at the zipper of Nino’s pants. But skin to skin, Ohno seems to find his bearings. He puts a hand on Nino’s waist, rocks up against him and Nino’s head drops forward, his bangs falling into his face.

“I should get a condom,” says Nino, fingers kneading into Ohno’s ass.

Ohno props himself up on his elbows, presses his lips to the sharpness of Nino’s collarbones, the pale column of his neck. Everything slows down now. In the hazy heat of it, the world stops. Nino’s hips roll forward in tiny jerks and Ohno’s arch up to meet him. When they find each other’s lips again, it’s achingly, alarmingly romantic.

“Bed,” Nino whines, reaches in between them and wraps his fingers around Ohno for emphasis.

They stumble towards the bedroom, as unselfconscious in their nakedness as they’ve ever been and just as unable to keep their hands to themselves. Once in Nino’s bed, urgency takes over again. Ohno’s eyes flutter shut when Nino rolls a condom on him. When he opens them again, Nino is on his back, pulling Ohno on top of him, spreading his legs for Ohno easily.

“Should I – “ Ohno starts to ask, voice rough and eyes dark.

“Just do it,” Nino pleads.

Ohno pushes in.

 

*

 

Nino wakes up the next morning, sore and sated all over, and tangled with Ohno from head to toe.

Like this, in the comfortable morning afterglow, Nino has time to panic.

Last night, he and Ohno had sex.

_He and Ohno had sex._

Nino can try to blame the whole thing on instinct – Ohno kissed him, Nino kissed back. It was only a natural reaction. And if things escalated from there, that couldn’t be helped either. They’re both only human.

But that’s not quite it. The truth, Nino realizes in an uncomfortably dizzying rush, is that he’d been waiting for that kiss for a long time – and by the giddy little sounds that Ohno had made against Nino’s lips when Nino kissed back – Ohno had been waiting a long time too.

Ohno doesn’t want a wife and kids. He wants Nino. It’s insane. It’s stupid. And the most insane and stupid part of all is that Nino is glad.

Glad and terrified.

There are a million reasons that this is now the biggest mistake of Nino’s life. There’s who they are for a start and what they do for a living. There’s got to be a clause in their contracts forbidding this kind of intragroup entanglement – Nino has learned the hard way that there is a clause for everything, personal life or not. Then there’s the rest of Arashi to think about, their careers as well as their friendship on the line all because Ohno wants Nino and Nino…

There are other reasons too, reasons that Nino just can’t think of at the moment through his mild anxiety attack. The point is they can’t. Even if Nino – they _can’t._

Ohno will wake up naked and alone in Nino’s apartment, in Nino’s _bed_ , but Nino is so intent on fleeing that he doesn’t have time to think about that now, tripping into his clothes on the way to the front door.

And if he’s using all these reasons – listing them stubbornly over and over again in his head to block out the irritating thudding of his heart – so that he doesn’t have to acknowledge the real reason he’s running away, to mask the feeling he’s running away from, he’ll never admit it.

 

*

 

The next time they see each other it’s painful - a pair of terse hellos and forcefully cheerful smiles while the rest of the room watches them curiously. Ohno hides his heartbreak under the brim of his cap and Nino hides from Ohno’s heartbreak under the brim of his. The irony that they’re wearing the matching hats that Sho got for them on his last trip abroad does not escape Nino.

A week into this unbearable new dynamic of awkward avoidance and hollow professionalism, the five of them are herded into an elevator together on the way to a meeting. The elevator isn’t particularly small, but somehow Nino finds himself jostled so close to Ohno that his fingers brush the back of Ohno’s hand. While the other three continue to chat obliviously, Nino is suddenly, ridiculously breathless as Ohno glances up at him in surprise.

Ohno looks at Nino, looks at him, looks at him, and he must see something there because suddenly he smiles, just the smallest, relieved quirk of lips.

The elevator doors ding open, but Ohno doesn’t stop smiling the rest of the afternoon.

 

 

At the end of the day, Ohno corners Nino on the way out of the studio. When Nino opens the door at the top of the stairs, Ohno’s waiting, already wearing a facemask and his street clothes. Nino ignores him and picks up his pace as he passes. Ohno doesn’t stop him, but he does follow Nino out to his car and when Nino gets in, Ohno gets in too.

“This can work,” says Ohno, pulling down his facemask.

Nino puts his key in the ignition, but doesn’t start the car. “No. It can’t.”

“Nino – “

The car has tinted windows and they're still in the studio parking lot, but it’s far from private. Nino was stupid to let Ohno follow him here. It would be so easy for them to be caught – but not easy enough. Nino is trapped.

“It can’t,” Nino says again. “There’s Arashi for a start.”

“I’ll quit,” Ohno offers.

Nino laughs at the absurdity, dry and unamused. “Don’t you dare.”

“Nino, I love you.” Ohno reaches out and puts a hand on Nino’s cheek. “You love me too. You do.”

Nino shoves him off. “Don’t touch me. I can’t think straight when you touch me.”

“Maybe you only think straight when I touch you,” Ohno points out.

He reaches out again and Nino grabs his hand to push him away, but forgets to let go.

“Get out of my car,” Nino says – means to say, except it doesn’t come out right because somehow he’s kissing Ohno instead.

It’s frantic, too rough and Nino wants it rougher to distract him from the sudden ache in his chest. He bites down hard on Ohno’s lower lip, retaliation for Ohno for doing this to him. Ohno just makes a wounded noise and fists a hand in the front of Nino’s shirt to drag him closer, pulls him right into the gear stick. Nino inhales sharply, knocked breathless for a moment. He reaches out blindly for something to hold on to and sets off the car horn with his elbow.

That’s enough to remind Nino that he had been trying to make a different point. He pulls away.

“Get out of my car,” Nino pants, staring at Ohno’s bruised lower lip.

Ohno nods, still breathing hard, and opens the passenger side door. He slips on his facemask and steps out onto the pavement without looking back.

Nino watches Ohno through the windshield - the sad hunch of his shoulders and the slow, defeated shuffle of his walk - and suddenly can’t remember a single one of his long list of reasons.

 

*

 

Tonight, Nino is drinking to get drunk.

It’s unusual for him. For starters, Nino is too stingy to pay for even the little amount of alcohol it takes to get him there. Nino orders liquor so cheap it evaporates. He nurses single shots on the rocks until the ice melts enough to make them doubles. But tonight Aiba is buying, so Nino doesn’t have any problem ordering a second round or a third.

“Nino,” asks Aiba from across the booth as Nino throws his head back to down the rest of his glass. “Is something wrong?”

Nino isn’t nearly drunk enough if Aiba’s questions are still irritating to him. “I want another drink,” he demands.

“What’s going on?” Jun asks as he slides back into the seat beside Nino.

“Nino won’t tell me why he’s sad,” Aiba explains.

Nino gives Jun what he knows to be his most convincing hangdog look. “If you get me a drink, I’ll tell you,” he says sweetly.

“No,” Jun says. “You’ve had enough. Now why are you sad?”

“I’m not sad,” Nino mutters. “Can’t a man have a drink in peace?”

“Sho-chan said that Leader said he and Nino had sex,” Aiba tells Jun. “It’s probably that.”

Jun looks to Nino for conformation. When Nino doesn’t deny it – or confirm it with a lewd comment not meant for polite conversation – Jun clears his throat awkwardly. “I assumed you were already sleeping together.”

Nino’s smile curls desolate, tastes resentful in his mouth. “Apparently we gave off that impression.”

“Sho-chan said that Leader said that Nino said that he didn’t want to be with him,” Aiba relays dutifully.

“I never said that,” Nino replies crankily. “I never said anything.”

Jun lets out a weary sigh. “Well I’m sure that got the point across.”

Nino drops his head against the cool surface of the table and stares despondently at his empty glass. His head is throbbing, his heart is throbbing, and it’s making the room go in and out of focus around him. “He doesn’t think. He never thinks. He’s got his own little my pace world where we drop everything, fall in love and live happily ever after. It’s just not going to happen.”

Jun frowns. “I’m surprised that you of all people would give him so little credit. Ohno’s not an idiot. He understands that.”

“What he doesn’t understand is why you’re in love with him but making excuses,“ Jun continues sharply. “Which honestly all of us are a little unclear on. Not the love part –“ Nino opens his mouth to protest, but Jun doesn’t allow it “– that part’s been obvious for years even if you refuse to admit it. But why you’re wasting so much time and energy running away from Ohno when that's clearly the last thing you want is beyond me.”

“Leave me alone,” Nino whines, his voice coming out much more anguished than he’d meant it to. He feels more anguished than he’s meant to. He turns away from Jun, catches sight of Aiba watching him with concern and the look on Aiba’s face makes everything worse. Aiba has been unusually quiet until now, listening to Jun and Nino talk. Finally he speaks up.

“You love Leader and Leader loves you,” he says. “And now that you’ve finally figured it out— Nino, how can that be a bad thing?”

Nino looks at Aiba, then at Jun, then the empty glasses in front of him. His heart goes thud, thud, thud, resigned and unhappy against his ribcage.

“I’m going to throw up,” he announces.

He doesn’t make it to the bathroom.

 

*

 

Nino wakes up the next morning to the sound of the doorbell ringing insistently. Head pounding, he cracks open an eye and finds himself in his own bed, still wearing the same clothes from last night and smelling strongly of vomit.

The front door opens and shuts. There’s the sound of footsteps through the living room and into the kitchen. Nino closes his eyes again, ignores the intruder in favor of willing away his overwhelming nausea. When he opens his eyes again, Sho is standing over him holding a gigantic glass of water.

“Jun called me. He said he and Aiba got you home, but that you refused to let them take care of you. So here I am.” He sits down on the edge of Nino’s bed and holds out the glass of water. “Drink.”

Nino grunts and wriggles away from Sho like an unreasonable child.

“If you don’t drink this, I’ll feed you instead,” Sho threatens with an even tone. It’s times like these that prove what a great mother Sho will make someday.

Nino gives Sho an icy look, but takes the glass. “Go away. Can't you see I’m busy wallowing? Despite what the rest of you seem to think, it’s not a group activity.”

“Not until you explain to me exactly why you are sabotaging this thing with Satoshi-kun,” replies Sho sternly. “Now drink your water.”

Sho watches approvingly as Nino drinks the entire glass in one go and slams it down empty onto the beside table with more force than is entirely necessary. It’s loud against the tabletop, too loud for Nino’s headache, but it makes him feel a little better anyway.

“I’m not sabotaging anything,” Nino says wretchedly, feeling more nauseated than ever. He curls back up on his bed and pulls the sheets over his head. “Why is everyone involved in this?”

Sho finds Nino through the covers, puts a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Because you involved us. By using us as an excuse to run away from your feelings.”

Nino huffs, the sheets around him rising and falling sharply with his breath. “It’s more complicated than that,” he says finally, resigned.

“And all of it equally stupid I’m sure,” Sho sighs.

Nino whips the covers back off his head, regrets it immediately when he comes face to face with Sho’s sympathy. “Stop it,” he pleads.

Sho doesn’t stop. “You’re right,” he says. “There are plenty of factors here. Of course there are. I’m not saying it will be easy, but no relationship is easy. Not for us. It never has been. But that hasn’t stopped you before.”

“This is different,” Nino insists.

“How?” Sho asks.

Nino sighs and kicks the covers off himself completely. He sits up, pulls his legs to his chest and wraps his arms around them. He rests his chin on his knees, small and unwillingly fragile.

“It’s _Ohno_ ,” he says, pathetically. He laughs at the ridiculousness of it all and it sounds strained and broken-hearted even in his own ears. “It’s always been Ohno,” he concedes.

Sho pulls Nino into his arms, hugs him impossibly tight, suffocating tight, and Nino lets him.

“So don’t push him away,” Sho says into Nino’s hair. “The only thing stopping this is you, Nino. If you both love each other, you have to let yourself believe that you can make it work – that the other things don’t matter.” He pauses, pulls back to see Nino’s face and smiles fondly at his forlorn expression. “If he’s worth it that is,” he adds.

“Don’t be stupid,” Nino snaps and Sho laughs.

Nino rests his head on Sho’s shoulder, pushes closer in Sho's hold. They sit quietly, just like that, for a little while longer until Sho speaks.

“Talk to him,” he says.

 

*

 

Nino finds Ohno already in the green room, wedged between Sho and Jun on the couch. He’s holding his phone and judging by the way the other two are pressed so close, by the cooing noises coming undeniably from Sho, Ohno must be showing them pictures of baby Ayumi.

Nino walks up behind them. Sure enough there’s a picture of a baby on Ohno’s screen. It is tiny, just like Ohno said, with big eyes and Ohno’s round cheeks.

Sho looks up at Nino, expression half-crazed “Baby,” he says.

Nino pats him on the head then casually leans over the back of the couch.

“Oh-chan,” Nino says. He sneaks closer, digs his chin into Ohno’s shoulder. “Can you come over later?” he asks.

It’s silent for a moment, Nino leaning heavily on Ohno’s shoulder, heart beating fast and nervous in his chest, Ohno tense under his weight. Jun and Sho look back and forth between them with a comic synchronism. Sho clears his throat as if he’s about to say something, but Ohno cuts him off.

“Okay."

 

*

 

“Do you want something to drink?” Nino asks when they get to his apartment. He doesn’t wait for Ohno to finish taking off his shoes, just heads straight for the kitchen. He peeks into the fridge. It’s suspiciously less empty than usual. Sho must have brought in groceries when Nino wasn’t looking. “I have beer and tea," he offers.

“Tea is okay,” Ohno says behind him. “I’ve been drinking too much lately.”

“ _Lately_?” Nino teases. When he turns around, Ohno is standing in the doorway, smiling shyly.

Nino forgets what he’s doing. “You want me,” he says abruptly. He hadn’t meant to say it out so suddenly like that, but he can’t help it. Ohno's words have been haunting him for weeks.

Ohno’s smile wavers, but just a little. Nino continues. “You said you just want me. That’s crazy, Oh-chan.”

“It’s not crazy,” Ohno answers gently. “It’s true.”

“You’d give up the chance at a family? For me?” Nino accuses. He can feel himself panicking again, hopes it doesn’t show on his face.

Ohno shrugs. “I have a family already, and I have Arashi, and I have you.”

Nino shakes his head. “You don’t have me. I haven’t agreed to that.”

Ohno is frowning now. He takes a step forward. “I love you, Nino,” he says.

Nino scowls. “Well, what if I don't love you?” he asks, ignoring the childish ring to his words.

“I think you do,” says Ohno, annoyingly confident. He takes another step forward. “I think you do but you’re afraid.”

Nino doesn’t answer that. He doesn’t have to. Ohno takes the last step between them and crushes their mouths together. His hands come up to cradle Nino’s face and Nino opens his mouth without any resistance. The kiss is sweet and scared, romantic and clumsy. Ohno kisses Nino like he's sure of everything and Nino takes it, lets himself be convinced.

“I love you,” Nino hears Ohno say. It’s only when Ohno sighs triumphantly against his lips that Nino realizes that Ohno wasn’t the one to say it at all. Nino hides his embarrassment with his tongue, presses his honesty into Ohno’s mouth so more of it won’t spill out.

“This is doomed from the start,” Nino says when they part. He rests his cheek against Ohno’s to hide his smile.

Ohno slides his arms around Nino’s waist, pulls him close. “We’ll make it work,” he promises.

“You’re annoying,” whispers Nino. “I don’t want to be in love with you.”

Nino can feel Ohno’s smile, can hear it in his voice, bright and giddy – reckless. “But you are.”

 

 

Tomorrow, Nino will start on his list of reasons that this is going to work.


End file.
